Welcome to Marvin's Room

 Welcome To Marvin's Room: Drunk Texting 101

Cups of the Rose...Bitches in my ol phone...I should call one and go home...I've been in this club too looooong....

Check out Vibe's "10 Stages of Drake"

With "Nothing Was The Same" freshly blasting around the campus, I find that the feelings scale has been going off the charts. Social media is being overrun by Drake lyrics, "Drake the type of Dude" quotes and "Drake" memes. I'm not here to do a review on Drake's life however there is one thing that I would like to dibble dabble in and that is Drinking & Drakeing. This is a term that was coined by black twitter when "Take Care" dropped and everybody got together only to get their heartbroken and find ways to relate to the music. One track that definitely stuck out was of course..."Marvin's Room". It's a tale about looking for someone to take you in after a night of unsuccessful adventures and drinking. In order to accomplish this task however Drake must text someone in his phone to solidify the plans. This may be the most depressing shit ever, yet each and every one of us has found our way into Marvin's Room at least once, and if you deny it then you obviously pay the rent to this room. How do you get into Marvin's Room you may ask? It begins with a simple text...


The drunk text is the second most important form of communication for college students next to Snap Chat. It can be done by anybody and everybody who has had just one too many drinks. A simple task such as putting in your 4 digit password becomes a fight to the death between your fingers and the touch pad. After 6 shots of tequila and a couple cups of that red PJ you begin to feel the world swerve around you. The room spins and people who average a flat 6 find their way up to the 8 1/2 range on the attractiveness scale.

Fuck that niggaaaa that you love so baaad...I know you think abooout the times we haaad...And since you pick up I know he's not around oohhhhhh...


Time is a key factor in the drunk texting world, depending on when the message is sent will determine what the subject of debate will be.

11-12: Pre-Drunk Moves. 

Between the time of the initial pre-game and halfway through the club/bar most messages sent will consist of "What's the move?" or "I heard Cafe Beyond was gonna be popping tonight (R.I.P. to the Cafe)." These are mostly informal messages and can sometimes be sent in groupchats in order to get a consensus on the nightly shenanigans. These texts are about as exciting as a staring contest between Willow Smith and her alter ego, the sloth meme.

1:30-2: Food/Post-Club/After Party moves.

 So the club is coming somewhat to a close and it's now time to make sure that when the lights come on:
1. You're not caught twerking with some busted broad or dude.
2. You close out your tab, lest you wake up with a hangover AND a hurt wallet.
3. What the hell you're about to get into next.
Nobody wants to end their evening after listening to "What's yo Zodiac sign?" being yelled at least forty times, so you try and set up the next plan of action. At this stage words may start to make less sense and the autocorrect button will come in handy! Seriously AUTOCORRECT SAVES LIVES. However autocorrect may not save you from texting the wrong person the wrong thing. Before sending that "Waffle House flows" text, check to make sure it's addressed to the right homie or else... If you're not interested in food then start working on inviting some people back to the crib and enjoy their drunk. Post-Club moves can either be platonic or a thirst trap contingent upon the lighting, hoes to bros ratio, and amount of alcohol left. The Post-Club move will usually serve as a mini-recap of the night.

2:45-3:30: BOOTYCALL HOURS

Relatively self-explanatory statement. Some notable examples include "Tryna fuck?", "I got my Netflix account, you wanna come watch a movie?", "You comin over or nah?", "Meet me out back behind Rams in 10" "I left my keys at home, mind if I stay over?" "I just wanna cuddle, nothing serious" "I'm too drunk, I'll just crash here." So on and so forth.  All of these messages are SOS signals to the Thirst Patrol, it's time for the magic to be made. Flourish. But just come prepared with a strap because nobody wants to be caught without latex...or get that I' think I'm late text...or however Lil Gremlin Wayne rapped it.

4-7: Venting Sessions.

I'm going to assume that for at least 30 minutes per night there is a complete blank space in your memory bank. That time is usually after a failed attempt at getting some ass for the night. Blue balls will bring you into the next stage which is the venting session. Now here is where artist like Drake, The Weeknd, Johnny Rain,  PartyNextDoor, Tory Lanez, or any lightskin dude from Canada with a broken heart and substance abuse problem come in handy. You start reaching out to anybody in your last 10 conversations and hit em with that "Still up?" text. You start with your #Bae and slide your way down the scale to the #LastResortShawty. You even put emphasis by adding the correct capitalization and punctuation, so you know it's real. Once you find someone who responds with that "Yeah, whats up" that's when the flood gates open. Crank up your stereo and begin to cry about the time your third grade crush made the basket before you did when you were playing knockout at the YMCA, so you blame your lack of hoop dreams on her. These are those times when the person on the receiving end needs to just listen and screenshot these in order to aid the other individual. However don't get too caught up in this zone for too long lest you'll end up dropping "L" bombs all over the place like a WWII German Raid. All hell breaks loose if you're talking to an ol squeeze and you release the Krakken AKA "I miss you..." text. I'm not about to sit here and debate this but hot damn when that happens you might as well turn your phone on airplane mode and go the fuck to sleep. This text has so much blackmailing power. The receiver of this text can essentially become the Edward Snowden to your NSA, and put you on blast.

I was just callin cuz they were just leavin...talk to me please don't have much to believe in...I need you right now are you down to listen to me...too many drinks have been given to me

Recently, I've found myself becoming a local to the spot...sipping a cold glass of E&J XO while writing blog posts. Drunk texting is something we all do, it's a mildly safe practice that should only be used when necessary. The content of this blog also applies to tweets, phone calls, videos, and instagram pictures. Young cats, realize that this world ain't private so posting all of your drunk endeavors on social media will be tragic. Let's be real, we all know that there are plenty of pictures that were taken at an inebriated moment floating around in some Group Me somewhere. #NeverForget. This post was dedicated to your future Drinking & Drakeing endeavors, for cuffing season is still not around thanks to the release of GTAV! Fellas thank Rockstar. Oh yeah and best two tracks on the album, "Too Much" & "Pound Cake" (and not only because Hov was on the track).

"Piano Outro"

~White Rabbit